How To... Be a Salesman

Michael Wermuth - So you want to be a salesman? Well, here’s how a salesman must act. Oh, but there are at least three types of salesmen (and only three represented in this article)… Which type would you want to be the most?

Type 1: The Door-To-Door Salesman
As a door-to-door salesman, you get to go to people’s houses and sell things. Be sure to wear a good suit, even if you otherwise don’t wear clothes. The first thing you should do is knock on the door and provide your client with a fairly polite greeting. Some people don’t like having salesmen at their house and will try to quickly slam the door on you, but one way to keep the door open is to push your body to the door as soon as possible, preventing it from being slammed. You could also block the door with a body part. Most people use their foot, but some use their nose. I must warn you about this method, though: It hurts!

But suppose your customer doesn’t have the thing that your item is for? What if you’re selling earmuffs and your customer doesn’t have ears, or you’re selling nose warmers but he has no nose? Then just give your customer a set of ears or a nose! But then what if he DOES have what goes with what you’re selling, but no way to keep it up – let’s say you’re selling sunglasses and your customer has eyes but can’t wear them because he doesn’t have the ears or nose to hold the sunglasses on his face? Sell him sunglasses with ears and nose attached!

Type 2: The Street Salesman
To be a street salesman, you get to be out on the street. You must dress in a trench coat and fedora, and talk in a soft, whispery voice. If your potential customer repeats what you say, just “SHH!” him. And you should always be prepared to give a reason for your customer to buy what you’re selling. If you’re selling an empty box, tell him why he needs an empty box. Explain that it’s better than a box of yucky worms. Explain that an empty box will be useful in catching jellybeans if it rains them. If you want to sell a letter of the alphabet, tell him to look at that letter if he’s wondering what letter a word starts with – for example, if you’re selling a U, tell him to look at the U if your customer is up all night wondering what letter the word “up” starts with. And try to be flexible: If your letter is made from a rope attached to poles, it’ll be easy to change your letter if your customer wants a different one. A U-shaped rope can easily be changed into a V or a W. And if you’re selling invisible ice cream cones, sell different flavors, and try to make it clear if you don’t accept invisible money.

Type 3: The Pitch Man
The pitch man makes sales pitches, particularly for successful variety shows. To make a proper sales pitch, you must start out mild mannered and talk at a normal pace, but soon get carried away and talk at a faster speed. This is in contrast to the street salesman, where you must talk loudly and be more excited. Mention all the benefits of what’s being sold here, and wildly exaggerate whatever results you think will happen.
Disclaimer: The Muppet Mindset shall not be held responsible for body injuries from stopping customers from slamming their doors, and do not encourage scamming customers, selling illegally-acquired letters, numbers, or other products. The Muppet Mindset is also not responsible for customers not buying your products. Sell at your own risk.






The Muppet Mindset by Ryan Dosier, muppetmindset@gmail.com